To give you a feel for what my life experience has been, let me introduce you to Venereal Staine.
Before I moved to Florida, I worked in an adult bookstore for a year and a half - the Cupid's Treasures in Kenvil, NJ. My best friend, Shannon, and I lived upstairs from the shop, and we both worked there. It was a crappy job in and of itself, but it did afford many opportunities to be completely and utterly annoying. It's always more fun trying to shop for adult entertainment when the theme song from Benny Hill is being looped in the background...over...and over...and over...
Needless to say, we spent a lot of time watching customer's reactions on the security monitor.
Now, back to our lovely friend over there. One of the former employees had gone to a porn convention(yes, they really do have porn conventions), and had obtained a signed poster of adult star Veronica Caine. It was signed, "To the gang at Cupid's - Hot, sweaty lovin'! Veronica Caine". The poster hung on the door to the office for years, and no one really gave it much thought.
Anyway, Shannon and I were sorting through the folder we kept all the menus in, trying to find a real pizza place(NOTE: Domino's is not real pizza. I'm from New Jersey. I know real pizza) among the dozens of menus from Domino's Pizza. I'm still not sure why we had so many - every time someone ordered food, they would shove the menu in there. We had duplicates of everything. It was a mess.
After we finally found real pizza, we decided to sort through all the menus and dispose of the stockpile we had from Domino's. It was a slow night, as they usually were. We always found some sort of little "art project" - setting up product displays for upcoming holidays(because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a bunch of red and green vibrators wrapped in tinsel), rearranging the products so they actually made sense, adding stupid captions to the "Community Spirit" calendar we had hanging in the office, etc.
And then...we remembered Veronica.
It started harmlessly enough - we cut out pizzas from the Domino's menu, and taped them up over her boobs, followed by the big, bold, "Always hot! Always fresh!" We stuck the Domino's logo over the autograph, so it now read, "To the gang at Cupid's - Hot, sweaty Domino's Pizza".
From then on, we would add things to her at random. Shannon changed her name to "Venereal Staine". Coupons were great for this purpose. Lynn, the lady who worked during the day, found the words "Vapor action" in a VapoRub ad, and pasted it over her crotch. We added "Eat free for a week!" from an ad for some sort of contest, and "extra cheese" from a pizza box. For some reason unbeknownst to me, there was a tomato in her bra. It got a little weird after a while.
So yes, this is what happens when you sell adult novelties for a living, and have entirely too much free time on your hands.
Before I moved to Florida, I worked in an adult bookstore for a year and a half - the Cupid's Treasures in Kenvil, NJ. My best friend, Shannon, and I lived upstairs from the shop, and we both worked there. It was a crappy job in and of itself, but it did afford many opportunities to be completely and utterly annoying. It's always more fun trying to shop for adult entertainment when the theme song from Benny Hill is being looped in the background...over...and over...and over...
Needless to say, we spent a lot of time watching customer's reactions on the security monitor.
Now, back to our lovely friend over there. One of the former employees had gone to a porn convention(yes, they really do have porn conventions), and had obtained a signed poster of adult star Veronica Caine. It was signed, "To the gang at Cupid's - Hot, sweaty lovin'! Veronica Caine". The poster hung on the door to the office for years, and no one really gave it much thought.
Anyway, Shannon and I were sorting through the folder we kept all the menus in, trying to find a real pizza place(NOTE: Domino's is not real pizza. I'm from New Jersey. I know real pizza) among the dozens of menus from Domino's Pizza. I'm still not sure why we had so many - every time someone ordered food, they would shove the menu in there. We had duplicates of everything. It was a mess.
After we finally found real pizza, we decided to sort through all the menus and dispose of the stockpile we had from Domino's. It was a slow night, as they usually were. We always found some sort of little "art project" - setting up product displays for upcoming holidays(because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a bunch of red and green vibrators wrapped in tinsel), rearranging the products so they actually made sense, adding stupid captions to the "Community Spirit" calendar we had hanging in the office, etc.
And then...we remembered Veronica.
It started harmlessly enough - we cut out pizzas from the Domino's menu, and taped them up over her boobs, followed by the big, bold, "Always hot! Always fresh!" We stuck the Domino's logo over the autograph, so it now read, "To the gang at Cupid's - Hot, sweaty Domino's Pizza".
From then on, we would add things to her at random. Shannon changed her name to "Venereal Staine". Coupons were great for this purpose. Lynn, the lady who worked during the day, found the words "Vapor action" in a VapoRub ad, and pasted it over her crotch. We added "Eat free for a week!" from an ad for some sort of contest, and "extra cheese" from a pizza box. For some reason unbeknownst to me, there was a tomato in her bra. It got a little weird after a while.
So yes, this is what happens when you sell adult novelties for a living, and have entirely too much free time on your hands.
1 comment:
Venereal Staine is what happens when you put bright young women in a cesspool of sleazery with no creative outlets. The only thing that kept us going for a long time was pot, cigarettes, and an occaisonal swig of "mommy's juice".
I'm still not sure if I'm happy that I worked at the porn shop, or not...I've never really squared with it. I mean, a lot of stories came out of it, but at the same time a high price was paid for those stories. I just wish sometimes that I didn't know the things that I know about those types of places.
Ignorance is bliss!
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