Criminey, it has been a spell since I've posted. My computer was on the fritz for quite a while, then mysteriously, it suddenly became operable once again. A great deal has happened in this time...and to be perfectly honest, most of it has sucked. I need a break from the amalgam of crap that is my daily life as of late. It's time for some of the more humorous tidbits.
I work with a bunch of perverts - myself included. That, coupled with staying open a full two hours later every night, makes for some very interesting conversations on the job. Here's some snippets of recent ones(times like this, I wish I really did have a diner napkin to jot this all down on). No, not all of these will make a lot of sense -
I'm not completely sure how this conversation started - more than likely regarding my former career at the porn shop -
Adam - "So I drove past this place called "Slots O' Fun that said it was an arcade, but all the windows were blacked out, and they stay open really late."
Me - "Yup. Those are jerkoff booths."
Mike - "They have Tetris, but the first piece that falls down is shaped like a penis."
Adam - "Putting things where they don't belong..."
Mike - "Some of them curve..."
Me - "There totally needs to be a G-spot in Tetris!"
Mike - "There is no such thing as a G-spot."
Me - "I can tell you from personal experience that there is. Dude, there needs to be a G-spot in all video games."
Mike - "There is no G-spot!"
Me - "Of course there is!"
Mike - "Your words mean nothing!"
~O~
Recently, Adam tattooed a guy, and it seems that the guy may have developed a bit of a crush on him. He stopped into the shop shortly after the tattoo, and Adam commented that he liked the guy's jacket...so he gave it to him(the jacket, not...something else). Adam wore it the next day, and has not stopped hearing about it since. I have continued to refer to it as his "stinky man jacket".
Me - "Adam, the guy gave you his hoodie...and your wearing it...and you didn't wash it first. What do you expect us to say when you come into work smelling like other dudes?"
~O~
A conversation that transpired in regards to a lawyer that works down the street from the shop, and also to a vocabulary word I had given Mike(yes, I need to give them vocabulary words from time to time. It's sad) -
Vince - "So, at one point, I think he came out as being bisexual."
Mike - "Well, skin is skin."
Me - "Skin is skin, an orifice is an orifice."
Mike - "You're making up words again."
Me - "Damn it, Mike, I'm not making up words! And by the way, more of you men really need to know what "cunnilingus" is."
Adam - "Um...what is "cunnilingus"?"
Me - "Oh, for fuck's sake. You don't know, either?"
Mike - "Your words have no effect on me!"(I'm sure you'll notice, I get this response on a regular basis.)
Vince - "It's a lot classier than saying "eating pussy". And yeah, that is a really important one for you to know."
~O~
The next day, the "cunnilingus" conversation continued, and our Dingbat du Jour(the counter girl we were trying out at that particular time, who, as is always the case, didn't work out) became involved -
Dingbat - "Yeah, she told me what it meant, too."
Vince - "You told her, too? Her dad's going to come in here and yell at you."
Me - "No, her dad's probably going to come in here and hit on me."
Dingbat - "Probably. His girlfriends are all strippers."
Also in conversation later that day -
Me - "We should remind Vince that he's seen thousands and thousands of boobs in his lifetime. That'd make his day."
We told him this, and he replied -
"Millions. Millions of them."
~O~
This was in reference to getting hit with bugs while riding my scooter - my Freudian slip was showing -
Me - "Oh, I've gotten hit in the face with plenty of interesting things, but I haven't actually swallowed any of them."
~O~
Conversation with Laura regarding the website -
Laura - "Well, why did you want to become a body piercer?"
Me - "To get paid to inflict puncture wounds on male genitalia."
~O~
Conversation with a customer over paperwork(this one has happened more than once) -
Customer - "Do I have any bleeding disorders?"
Me - "Yeah - nothing like hemophilia or prescribed blood thinners or anything?"
Customer - "Does having my period count?"
Me - "As long as you don't start crying or kick the piercer, I think you'll be okay."
~O~
Text message sent to Mike after a conversation about the definition of the word "latrine"(I had done a jewelry change on a girl named Latrina that day) -
"Latrine. Noun. A community toilet, esp. in a camp."
~O~
Prelude to the "cunnilingus" conversation - this was with a customer getting a labret piercing -
Me - "If you smoke, snack, drink between meals -"
Customer - "Can I still go down on my girlfriend?"
Me - "I wasn't aware that men still do that."
Customer - "In Tennessee, we do!"
This led to a half-hour long conversation with Vince about cunnilingus. Mind you, this is the man who once said, "If you ever meet a girl without any teeth, you should marry her."
I work with a bunch of perverts - myself included. That, coupled with staying open a full two hours later every night, makes for some very interesting conversations on the job. Here's some snippets of recent ones(times like this, I wish I really did have a diner napkin to jot this all down on). No, not all of these will make a lot of sense -
I'm not completely sure how this conversation started - more than likely regarding my former career at the porn shop -
Adam - "So I drove past this place called "Slots O' Fun that said it was an arcade, but all the windows were blacked out, and they stay open really late."
Me - "Yup. Those are jerkoff booths."
Mike - "They have Tetris, but the first piece that falls down is shaped like a penis."
Adam - "Putting things where they don't belong..."
Mike - "Some of them curve..."
Me - "There totally needs to be a G-spot in Tetris!"
Mike - "There is no such thing as a G-spot."
Me - "I can tell you from personal experience that there is. Dude, there needs to be a G-spot in all video games."
Mike - "There is no G-spot!"
Me - "Of course there is!"
Mike - "Your words mean nothing!"
~O~
Recently, Adam tattooed a guy, and it seems that the guy may have developed a bit of a crush on him. He stopped into the shop shortly after the tattoo, and Adam commented that he liked the guy's jacket...so he gave it to him(the jacket, not...something else). Adam wore it the next day, and has not stopped hearing about it since. I have continued to refer to it as his "stinky man jacket".
Me - "Adam, the guy gave you his hoodie...and your wearing it...and you didn't wash it first. What do you expect us to say when you come into work smelling like other dudes?"
~O~
A conversation that transpired in regards to a lawyer that works down the street from the shop, and also to a vocabulary word I had given Mike(yes, I need to give them vocabulary words from time to time. It's sad) -
Vince - "So, at one point, I think he came out as being bisexual."
Mike - "Well, skin is skin."
Me - "Skin is skin, an orifice is an orifice."
Mike - "You're making up words again."
Me - "Damn it, Mike, I'm not making up words! And by the way, more of you men really need to know what "cunnilingus" is."
Adam - "Um...what is "cunnilingus"?"
Me - "Oh, for fuck's sake. You don't know, either?"
Mike - "Your words have no effect on me!"(I'm sure you'll notice, I get this response on a regular basis.)
Vince - "It's a lot classier than saying "eating pussy". And yeah, that is a really important one for you to know."
~O~
The next day, the "cunnilingus" conversation continued, and our Dingbat du Jour(the counter girl we were trying out at that particular time, who, as is always the case, didn't work out) became involved -
Dingbat - "Yeah, she told me what it meant, too."
Vince - "You told her, too? Her dad's going to come in here and yell at you."
Me - "No, her dad's probably going to come in here and hit on me."
Dingbat - "Probably. His girlfriends are all strippers."
Also in conversation later that day -
Me - "We should remind Vince that he's seen thousands and thousands of boobs in his lifetime. That'd make his day."
We told him this, and he replied -
"Millions. Millions of them."
~O~
This was in reference to getting hit with bugs while riding my scooter - my Freudian slip was showing -
Me - "Oh, I've gotten hit in the face with plenty of interesting things, but I haven't actually swallowed any of them."
~O~
Conversation with Laura regarding the website -
Laura - "Well, why did you want to become a body piercer?"
Me - "To get paid to inflict puncture wounds on male genitalia."
~O~
Conversation with a customer over paperwork(this one has happened more than once) -
Customer - "Do I have any bleeding disorders?"
Me - "Yeah - nothing like hemophilia or prescribed blood thinners or anything?"
Customer - "Does having my period count?"
Me - "As long as you don't start crying or kick the piercer, I think you'll be okay."
~O~
Text message sent to Mike after a conversation about the definition of the word "latrine"(I had done a jewelry change on a girl named Latrina that day) -
"Latrine. Noun. A community toilet, esp. in a camp."
~O~
Prelude to the "cunnilingus" conversation - this was with a customer getting a labret piercing -
Me - "If you smoke, snack, drink between meals -"
Customer - "Can I still go down on my girlfriend?"
Me - "I wasn't aware that men still do that."
Customer - "In Tennessee, we do!"
This led to a half-hour long conversation with Vince about cunnilingus. Mind you, this is the man who once said, "If you ever meet a girl without any teeth, you should marry her."
3 comments:
Welcome back.
Ok, where did ya go to?
I'm back. Now that I'm not working 60 hours a week, it should be much easier.
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